So it’s been just over a week now since I finally finished the book, and all the fun and excitement has had a bit of time to die down, leaving behind something more… unexpected.
The very next morning after completing the book, I noticed that I had an incredibly bad migraine. At first, I just assumed that it was down to my recent lack of sleep; I’d been staying up till 4:00 AM for the past 4 days to work on the final chapter. So I rested, ate well, and kept away from any bright lights.
And… the next morning it was back! I felt so drained, my eyes were on fire, my limbs were aching, and I had no energy for anything, so I kept resting.
But the third morning was the same. I’d been sleeping a lot, and yet I still had this weird migraine and all these strange symptoms. I began to realise it wasn’t something physical that was the cause, it was something emotional.
It’s kind of hard to explain, but I don’t actually want to complain about all the weird feelings I’ve been having, it’s more that I don’t understand where they really came from. But I’d like to, and in the year that I’ve had this blog, I’ve come to realise that there’s no better way of understanding my thoughts than by breaking them down into words.
By far the most obvious feeling that was bugging me was a sense of emptiness at the project being over. (At least this one was easy for me to work out!) I guess it’s kind of like when you finish watching a really good, long TV show, and after the season finale you feel happy, (if it’s a good ending, that is) but you also feel a little bit miffed that it’s over. Still, it’s not like I’ve said goodbye to the story completely, I’ve got editing to do soon!
I am really grateful to have finished the book; now I can go to bed at a normal time again! But I got used to living in this world that I was writing about, and it’s strange to be taken out of that. Plus, I actually haven’t been able to sleep since, because I used to always think about the next scene I was writing, visualising it over and over till I fell asleep. Now that it’s done, I don’t have a ‘next scene’ to think about, and my brain is way too fried to consider new stories yet! So I’ve just been kind of lying there, half awake.
I think that a big part of this probably because I like to keep busy. I always want to be thinking about something, I completely abhor quiet and silence, especially inside my head. But at the same time, my mind is exhausted and I’m supposed to be resting it. It’s a contradiction that’s making me antsy! But if that is the case, then I’ll probably feel back to normal once I’m ready to start a new project.
Slightly more strange than the empty-project syndrome, was the overwhelming wave of nostalgia that crept into my thoughts over the week. This is one I’ve had before. After moving house, for example, I get dreams where I’m back in my old house, like my brain is telling me it wants to go back.
This time though, I haven’t moved anywhere, and I’m not reminiscing about a place, but rather a period. I can’t stop thinking about my time at school, which is the part that’s confusing me. I’ve been feeling a lot of regret about that time, and it’s even been giving me existential thoughts about aging! It could be as simple as the fact that High School is an important part of the story of the book, although, my own school life was very different to the events of the story.
Although nostalgia can be a kind of sad feeling, it’s not been all bad. I used to look back on my school years with only a negative view, but as I’ve been unable to stop thinking about them this past week, I’ve managed to admit there were some good times. On top of that, I even managed to find a song which put into sounds exactly how I feel, (Which I would best describe as, bittersweet) and it surprisingly gave me a lot of comfort.
The third, and probably weirdest thing I’ve felt lately, is the sense that a new chapter has started, an end of an era, as silly as it sounds. I can’t help but think this is ridiculously over-dramatic, but I feel like a changed person.
In the same vein, I’ve been having this urge to get a new hairstyle, which is something I’ve always done when I go through any big life event. (It’s the most fun part about all of these emotions)
I got it cut, but it was a little bit shorter than I wanted, so I’m letting it grow in for a few weeks before putting the colour on, which I’m very excited for. I would also say that I feel like getting a lot of new clothes as part of this style change, but to be honest, that’s just me all of the time, not limited to this!
So, that’s pretty much what I’ve been thinking about this past week. Some of this was quite unexpected, but at least I managed to get a hold of it quickly before it could spiral and make me feel really bad. I actually have been feeling a little bit better already, because I’ve been looking after myself. I’ve been making sure to do lots of fun things to cheer myself up, like sewing, getting back to some scam-baiting which I hadn’t done in ages, and I’ve even been watching some bad movies again. Just a few days ago I enjoyed ‘The Psychedelic Priest’ by William Grefé, which was a real hoot.
Speaking of scam-baiting, Mr Larry Ben says I only have a day to claim my urgent consignment fund of 3.5 Million USD, so I’d better get going… Thank you very much for reading!
So for this week’s photo prompt, I have something very odd that I found on the wall of the train station toilets while I was out for the day. So many questions… Mostly, how did they fit the king duvet inside the cubicle..?