Monthly Movies! (Jan 2022)

I’ve got some more fun writing news coming soon (nothing too huge!) but I felt like the thing needed a little more time to bake before doing a whole post about it, so I thought it was the perfect time to do my monthly movie list instead, which I’ll be doing at the end of each month now, as long as I stick to my goal!

So one of my New Year’s resolutions was to watch a lot more movies, partly because I love doing reviews, (which I did for all of these on Letterboxd) but mostly because I just like watching them! I didn’t set a specific target at first, but eventually I settled into 1 movie per day, since that seemed like a reasonable goal. I also didn’t consciously decide to watch either ‘bad’ or ‘good’ films, but as you’ll see on the list, I think I naturally gravitated towards the bad!

Also, I feel like I should say as a disclaimer, all of this is just my opinion, and I know that my bad taste can be strange at times!

So, ordered from worst to best, let’s get into the list!

---

No. 31 – Worst Film of the Month:

Congratulations to Baby Geniuses 2, for being my least favourite thing I saw this month, in a list that also includes The Emoji Movie, and Cats. To me, the worst thing a movie can ever be, is boring. And wow, this was unbelievably boring. I genuinely fell asleep while watching it. Really it’s hard to describe with words just how painful it is to sit through this, purely from the sheer dullness of it. 0/10.

No. 30

So you have Shaquille O’Neal playing a magical, camp genie. That sounds ridiculous, but funny right? But instead of focusing on that, he disappears for most of the film to have a rap career, while we, the audience, are stuck watching tired family drama that we’ve seen in hundreds of other films. I really despise this movie for wasting the potential of Genie Shaq, because we’ll probably never get another chance to see that!

No. 29

So I’m from Scotland. And I’d love to see more movies set in my lovely wee country. But not like this. Never like this… Honestly sometimes the absurdity of this is funny, which is why it’s not in last place, but other times it’s not funny, at all. It’s just sad.

No. 28

The animation. Oh no. It hurts. This was made in 2016, but it looks worse than animations from the 90’s. I know that’s only a surface level problem, and that with a good story bad visuals can be forgiven. But this doesn’t have a good story. No, this has Cthulhu being a boy’s pet, playing snowball fights, and telling jokes together. Also the boy nicknames him: Spot. Really?

No. 27

Yes, they made a sequel to No. 28. It’s basically the exact same as the first one, but it’s a place higher, because it’s a few minutes shorter, meaning that the pain of watching it is over quicker.

No. 26

So I watched all of the ‘Left Behind’ movies this month. (Why did I do this to myself?) This one is the worst, in my opinion. Mostly because of the ending, which will slap you in the face before you know it. Seriously, one moment we’re in the church, watching people drink wine, the next scene, the president of America is trying to blow up Satan. Then the movie ends. No, I’m not joking.

No. 25

This is the second worst of the Left Behind movies, in my opinion. It’s biggest sin was being awfully boring, and also insulting. There’s a scene to show that animals don’t deserve to go to heaven? Why would you put that in a movie? WHY? Even Nic Cage can’t save this film, and he looks depressed in it. I don’t blame him.

No. 24

Yes, they made another sequel to the animated Lovecraft film. No, it’s not any better than the others. The only reason it’s higher than them, is because it has a baby version of Cthulhu in it. As insulting as that is, it’s also pretty cute.

No. 23

This movie is all about imagination, and dreams. Which is ironic, because watching it feels like you’re experiencing the worst, most psychedelic nightmare that your imagination could possibly conjure up. To be honest, it’s got some kind of nice ideas, but they’re just really badly executed, unfortunately.

No. 22

So this is the original Left Behind film. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, though that says more about me than the movie, but it’s still quite boring and quite insulting. (Seriously what is with these ‘dogs don’t go to heaven’ scenes?) It starts out ok, but as it goes on, just gets way too political and ignores what should be good about an apocalypse film, which is the action!

No. 21

This is meant to be a comedy, but it’s utterly joyless to watch. During the entire running time, I didn’t even smile, once. I didn’t even feel the urge to. Apparently in an interview, the stars said that this movie is a parody, and a legitimate Sherlock Holmes mystery, but it completely fails at both of those things.

No. 20

This is a talking animal movie. That’s totally fine. There’s plenty of cute, harmless talking animal movies that kids will love. Why then, in this one, did they decide to fill it with tedious boardroom talk and business meeting scenes discussing company contracts? What kid wants to watch that? I don’t even want to see that as an adult!

No. 19

So I had a pet guinea pig when I was a kid, Gordon. He could’ve taken on these FBI guinea pigs any day. But anyway, this movie is very weird, quite boring, and has way too many complicated scenes to enjoy. The only positive I can see at all, is Nic Cage as the crazy mole. That’s funny.

No. 18

This is one that’s been extensively covered already, so I won’t say too much. Basically, I’d call it, ‘Product Placement – The Movie’. But at the same time, it was sort of funny to watch at times, in the so bad it’s good way, and the animation was consistently good. It wasn’t quite as painful to watch as some of the lower entries.

No. 17

So this is a rip off of Kung Fu Panda. (Which I LOVE) It’s of slightly higher quality than some other rip off movies, like Ratatoing, or Little Panda Fighter. The animation is fine, the monkey character has a cute design, and one of the voice actors seems to be trying. However, the fact that it’s just stealing from an existing film, makes me angry. I think it’s so disrespectful, and pure laziness. It’s a shame too, because perhaps if the creator of this had come up with his own ideas, he could’ve made something good, but instead he chose to steal.

No. 16

So this is, in my opinion, the best of the terrible ‘Left Behind’ saga. It’s not great, by any means, but it’s a slight improvement on the other ones. I feel like there’s a bit more stuff actually happening in this one, but it’s still held back by focusing too much on boring political scenes. However, I did appreciate the fire-breathing monks near the end. The film needed more of that.

No. 15

So I’m a big fan of Tim Burton. This might be his worst movie. Honestly you wouldn’t even be able to tell that it was his film just by watching it. I found it very boring, and very hard to follow, mostly because it couldn’t hold my interest. I did think that Helena Bonham Carter was doing a good job as the lady ape, she was probably the best character, but Mark Wahlberg was very bland. Even after finishing the movie, I couldn’t tell you one defining character trait that he had.

No. 14

I can barely remember anything that happened in this one. All I can remember, is that there were way too many characters. Like 3 times as many as a movie should have. Especially the villains, there’s at least 6 villainous characters, and sometimes they betray each other, and it becomes impossible to tell who’s on who’s side, or who wants to kill each character! Apart from that, everything was very bland, and not memorable as a movie.

No. 13

This one was disappointing. It was intensely boring, for about the first hour. Then there’s a couple of nice moments, where I feel like I can see the good side of Shyamalan coming back again. There’s one particular shot of the camera being dragged through grass, and it’s quite suspenseful, but then immediately after, the movie loses all of that atmosphere, and goes back to boring. Also, Will Smith in this movie was like a plank of wood! I’ve never seen such stiff and unemotional acting, very unenjoyable.

No. 12

With this one, I feel like I can see what the director was going for, although I might not think it was a good idea, I can at least appreciate that. But then the second half… Who cut that together and thought it was watchable? It’s completely half baked, and not fun to watch.

No. 11

I can’t believe this is so high up the list. But at the same time, it was at least more fun to watch than some of the boring ones. However, I did struggle to sit through the high pitched musical numbers, that part was painful. The green chipmunk was cute though, and I can see why kids would enjoy this, at least.

No. 10

I really have almost nothing to say about this one. It was fine. It wasn’t great, and it wasn’t awful either. It was just ok, and a bit bland. I didn’t get a sense of Paul W. S Anderson’s style in this at all, which is a shame, I’d probably have enjoyed it more if it felt more like his movie.

---

So from this point onward, we get to the ones that I actually had fun watching and liked. That doesn’t mean they were good, but I at least had a good time when they were on, instead of struggling to stay awake!

---

No. 9

This is not a Frankenstein story. This is edgy, emo, Frankenstein fan-fiction that you might find deep in the depths of Wattpad or DeviantArt. That being said, I definitely would class this one as ‘so bad it’s good’. I found it absolutely hilarious. I was laughing the whole way through, and although it wasn’t the intended reaction, I had so much fun watching this that I’ll probably even watch it again someday.

No. 8

Similarly to I, Frankenstein, this one is definitely so bad it’s good. It’s probably one of the worst movies ever. But that doesn’t mean it’s not enjoyable to watch. It definitely was. It was so unbelievably weird, the CGI was atrocious, and the acting was bizarre. I enjoyed all of those things. However, I was sad that so much of the original cast was gone. Especially Christopher Lambert as Raiden, I needed more of that fantastic performance.

No. 7

It’s Cats. What can I say? Just like the last two entries, this film is AWFUL! But, also like the last two, I can’t say I didn’t have fun watching. There’s no plot, so that’s not even worth talking about. The acting was… ?? And the songs were funny. I laughed hysterically throughout the whole thing. In fact, I liked it so much that I bought it on Blu Ray when I went on holiday. I wonder what the cashier thought of me?…

No. 6

When I was a kid, I watched a lot of disaster movies, so I’ve always had an appreciation for them. I’d say this is a pretty decent one, though it didn’t exactly reinvent the genre or anything. The story is good enough, and the acting is fine. However, the one thing that I was unsure of, was the ending. I just found it slightly anticlimactic, but at the same time, it wasn’t a big enough problem to ruin the movie or anything.

No. 5

This one was actually more enjoyable than I expected. I liked the setting, and the story was good overall. The ending did get a little bit crazy, but I don’t think it really changed my opinion of the rest of the movie.

---

So now we get into the top 4! These were my absolute favourites of the movies I watched this month. It was really hard to decide what order to put them in, but I had to go with what I enjoyed the most and had the most fun with!

---

No. 4

So this one was seriously good. It was clearly very well made, beautiful looking, lingering shots so that you can take everything in. A great story, and really good acting by the three leads. My only small criticism was that the pacing was quite slow, meaning the film ended up very long. That’s not really a huge negative though, just something that might affect the rewatch value. It’s a very subtle movie, and when it finished, it took me a few minutes to think about it, and to come up with what I think it all meant. I’d be very worried to share those kind of thoughts about the movie though, because I’m sure I’m probably wrong with my interpretation! Overall, I really loved this movie, however the length and bleak tone, made the next three just slightly take the lead in the list.

No. 3

So I’ve probably lost all credibility now by having this so high, but I don’t mind! Yes this had a lot of things that I would change if it was up to me, but it also had a lot that I enjoyed. The opening scene feels like a different (and slightly better) movie than everything that comes after, and I would’ve loved to see a full length version of that story. But I was happy with what we did get, despite the flaws, I had great fun watching this.

No. 2

This was awesome! Maybe I’m biased, being from Scotland, but I thought that this movie was great. Fun action, amazing soundtrack, questionable but hilarious Scottish accents, beautiful cinematography, plenty of cheese, and an engaging story! I can’t really ask for anything more.

No. 1

So this was my favourite thing that I watched all month. I’ve never played any of the games, so I had no expectations as to what this would be like. It just really connected with me for some reason. It’s very cheesy (a good thing, to me), the fights are awesome, the characters are really fun, and the whole thing is just exactly what I love most about movies. Fun! I wasn’t bored while I watched it, even for a minute.

Also, I have to give out 2 special mentions. First of all, there are some seriously beautiful shots in this film. A film like this would still have been fun without that, but it’s definitely a pleasant surprise that elevates this movie above some other cheesy fun ones. It makes me feel like the people making it actually cared, and put extra effort in, which I really appreciate.

The second special mention goes to Christopher Lambert as Raiden. Wow. What a laugh. I think the only laugh that could rival his is maybe Tommy Wiseau. I’d love to get them in a room together sometime. Seriously though, I really loved his performance, and every time he was on the screen he was just a joy to watch.

---

These are the films that I liked enough to buy on DVD! I would’ve bought Highlander as well, but unfortunately I hadn’t seen it yet at the time I went to HMV. I can only imagine what the guy at the checkout must’ve thought about this selection!

---

So overall, what a month! Out of the 31 films, I think there was only about 7 of them that I actually liked. I can’t complain about it though, after all, it was me that picked them!

Well, I’ll be back later in the week with some writing news, and in the meantime I hope you enjoyed the list. And I hope I didn’t offend anyone!

Thanks for reading!